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need advice. am i being stupid

Discussion in 'Get it off your chest' started by guyver, Apr 2, 2014.

  1. guyver

    guyver Busy Member

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    hello all those of you that know me know that ive had an eventful year or so and now its just seems like things are going bad again but im not sure long story short i have been dateing a women who lost her husband and we found comfort in each other as i had lost my wife we have been together around a year but last night we talked and she is struggling to commit she says she is still in love with her husband and feels guilty while she is with me she still hasnt told all of her family about me and i feel like she is unsure about what we are she said she loves me and dosent want me to go but is finding it difficult to cope with the death of her husband and i really dont know what to do i suggested we spend a little time apart so she can get her head together but i dont want to invest to much time for nothing i know it sounds a bit heartless but i learned the hard way life is to short to be messing about.
     
  2. Mart61

    Mart61 Pro Poster

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    What's wrong with messing around? Neither of you are cheating on a partner. Neither of your are accountable to anyone other than yourself and your consciences. Just take it for what it is, be ruled by your head and not your heart. Of course she is still in love with her husband just as your are in love with your wife. If either of you could bring your spouses back now, you'd both do it in a heartbeat.

    As such you are both "second choice" to the other person.

    Do what you're doing and enjoy it. And hey, if it develops into something else, so be it. If not well you've had a little fun.

    Oh and yes, you are being stupid.

    (Well you did ask).

    :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2014
  3. themadspread

    themadspread Donator

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    for what its worth i lost my wife 10 yrs ago last week and have never even thought about another womans company since and never will again.but i was left with 2 young kids to bring up and a full time job they are both in there late teens now so at last im getting a bit of time to myself and things are getting easier now.but the urge for female company has never returned
     
  4. guyver

    guyver Busy Member

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    thank you and i know what you mean i think i was being silly and thinking that she wanted more i will always love my wife but im able to separate my feelings for jenny from the feeling i have for sharon i dont feel bad about our relationship but sharon does i guess i just dont want to loose her so im worried that i will
     
  5. Mart61

    Mart61 Pro Poster

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    I think the only way you'll lose her is by trying to make the relationship something that it is not, at least not as yet.
     
  6. guyver

    guyver Busy Member

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    i am sorry for your loss i know its not easy and i wish i could be like but im no good on my own i have always needed company and i suppose that is me being a bit needy i just want her back i want my old life back i was happy i knew where i was
     
  7. Tripleteer

    Tripleteer Donator

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    Take her shooting and let her know what you are giving up every time you take her out, atb Paul.
     
  8. Patrick

    Patrick Donator

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    Why not let things cool off a bit,by that I mean just enjoy each other's company and friendship without putting any pressure on each other to form a more serious relationship which if you're as fond of each other you claim will probably develop naturally in time as she comes to terms with the lose of her husband,as they say time can be a good healer.On a cautionary note you may find, as time passes you're not that suited after all.
     
  9. wolfy68

    wolfy68 Busy Member

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    Try not to over think the situation as this will alter your behaviour and possibly drive a wedge between you both.Should just take it for what it is and enjoy it one day at a time.The grieving process can last years but is a lot easier and will pass quicker if you both have somebody there for each other.Love has a funny way of attacking your conscience even when your doing nothing wrong,it's natural and will pass.Just be her shoulder and her rock and things will fall into place in time in the abscence of pressure.
     
  10. jesim1

    jesim1 Kit bitch to the Stars

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    I think you are being very brave to talk openly on a forum about this kind of thing, and I mean that in a good way. Your trying to get advice because you care, and perhaps want some options? Anything anyone says is going to be their feelings - not yours, so my advice is have a read at the replies, but follow your own heart. You know if this is right, and if she does not, then she does not feel the same way, and single sided love is not love at all. I totally understand the concept of "your only here once", you make the most of what you have for the time you have it, and I'm sure both your ex partners would have wanted you to do the same.

    James
     
  11. Beachcomber

    Beachcomber Donator

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    It sounds like she has some more grieving to do.

    Why not take things down a level or two and spend time together as friends. No pressure, no 'labels', no expectations. Just enjoy each others company for a while and see how things go.

    The most important thing is to communicate and make sure that both of you know that it is imperative that above all else, honest communication is the basis for any relationship - be it friend or more.

    The important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to feel. What you both feel is what you both feel, no matter what. Neither of you are never wrong for feeling or not feeling a certain way because all of those kind of feelings are just a person trying to force themselves to conform to some perceived social norm or accepted behavior which more often than not does not exist.

    Which ever way it goes, I wish you the best.
     
  12. guyver

    guyver Busy Member

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    thank you everyone for the advice i really do appreciate it this is more than an airgun forum to me as over the last year and a half everyone has helped me in some way weather its shooting related or a personal matter so we had a good talk and where going to see each other less until she is ready to start a serious relationship and again thank you everyone
     
  13. ultra22

    ultra22 Engaging Member

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    Pick up a gun and go out and do some shooting, thats what i would do. Make hay while the sun shines :)
     

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