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Message from John cleese to US

Discussion in 'General chit chat' started by Andy, Jun 8, 2008.

  1. Andy

    Andy Administrative Staff Member Founder

    Likes Received:
    Just seen this else ware on the net. :D

    A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the
    United States of America:

    In light of your failure to nominate competent
    candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern
    yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
    your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
    monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
    territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
    governor for America without the need for further

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
    questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
    whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown
    Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
    immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in
    the Oxford English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation
    guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
    been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
    'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
    spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
    and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix
    -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
    vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
    filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
    unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
    There is no such thing as US English. We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
    spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
    reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
    will relearn your original national anthem, . Save
    The Queen.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
    using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
    need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
    not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
    be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
    sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
    therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
    carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
    A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
    vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
    and this is for your own good. When we show you German
    cars, you will understand what we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with
    roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
    with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
    of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
    will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
    (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US
    gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
    you call French fries are not real chips, and those
    things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
    called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
    animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
    beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
    proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
    European brews of known and accepted provenance will
    be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also
    acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest
    sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
    beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see
    what it did for them.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
    English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
    required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English
    dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
    experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
    cheese grater.

    13. You will cease playing American football. There is
    only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
    Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
    play rugby (which has some similarities to American
    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
    every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
    armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try - the
    Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
    regularly thrash us.

    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
    reasonable to host an event called the World Series
    for a game which is not played outside of America.
    Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
    beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You
    will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
    Africans first to take the sting out of their

    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
    us mad.

    16 An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
    Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
    ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to

    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper
    cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
    and cakes; strawberries in season.

    . save the Queen.

    Only He can.

    / John Cleese/
  2. a1gunner

    a1gunner Pro Poster

    Likes Received:
    sounds like a . plan:D
  3. simply james

    simply james Banned

    Likes Received:
    Cloud 9
    it may well be mate.
  4. halight

    halight Busy Member

    Likes Received:
    id vote for that. e-mail it to the PM and tell him its a vote winner
  5. andyhawkx3

    andyhawkx3 Major Poster

    Likes Received:
    Black Country, West Midlands
    Is that a good plan, or a . plan:p:D:confused:
  6. EX Mod Cog

    EX Mod Cog Keyboard Hero

    Likes Received:
    True, America has a lot of problems but so do we :D the US is a classic example of how stupid poeple can be though, I have to admit.
  7. a1gunner

    a1gunner Pro Poster

    Likes Received:
    plan made by a .:confused::D

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