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Handy Hints

Discussion in 'General chit chat' started by Buzz, May 8, 2008.

  1. Buzz

    Buzz Banned

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    Handy Hints:
    Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment,
    always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
    garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
    stain and check that it has gone.

    Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next
    to the object you wish to view.

    Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
    getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
    paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

    Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
    chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ******* thing in the first place..

    Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
    morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
    thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
    the wall.

    Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
    home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
    then urinating into it, before jumping in.

    Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
    and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

    Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
    lard.

    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
    inexpensive vibrator.

    Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids
    by running a bit slower.

    Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your
    next fag from the butt of your last one.

    Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
    steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
    substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
    difference.

    Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
    doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
    about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
    High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
    a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
    your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
    to insulate your roof.

    Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
    your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like
    dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

    A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
    you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

    Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching
    anyone with whom you disagree.
    Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
    banging your feet twice on each stair.

    At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
    customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

    Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
    the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

    A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
    ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

    AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned
    to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

    HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
    liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
    OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
    Simply
    cross out the names and address of people you don't know

    If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
    pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage
    is almost instantly removed.
     
  2. a1gunner

    a1gunner Pro Poster

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    very funny.:up:

    where did you find those;)
     
  3. Buzz

    Buzz Banned

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    E-mailed to me by a friend of Jennys.
     
  4. EX Mod Cog

    EX Mod Cog Keyboard Hero

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    Some of them aren't bad, I don't find them funny personally but I get them :up:
     
  5. MOO

    MOO Keyboard Hero

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    Location:
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    Have you had a sense of humour bypass, you are very serious for a young lad, let your hair down and laugh a bit ;):D
     
  6. a1gunner

    a1gunner Pro Poster

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    yea you uptight mod:rolleyes::D

    i have my hear so far down i cant see...well its my excuse for spelling:D
     
  7. MOO

    MOO Keyboard Hero

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    You have a cracking sense of humour and take stick really well, mind you, you give plenty too, haven't forgiven you for the spiders yet :D;)
     
  8. a1gunner

    a1gunner Pro Poster

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    better thank buzz then he deleted one big spider vid.

    i did put a warning on it though.

    it was some kid beting a world record by having loads of spiders on him:rolleyes:
     
  9. Buzz

    Buzz Banned

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    MOO, you're spot on with that...I wish I could get really mad at him sometimes, but I can't.
     
  10. steve410

    steve410 Big Poster

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    Location:
    Colchester.Essex.
    I think Moo liked this one the best......

    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
    inexpensive vibrator. :D
     
  11. andyhawkx3

    andyhawkx3 Major Poster

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    Location:
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    Steve's got a prezzie for you:D.....nice one Buzz, right on Que mate needed a good lof:up::D:D:D
     
  12. MOO

    MOO Keyboard Hero

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    Bit painfull if the lid came off though.........:eek::D
     
  13. a1gunner

    a1gunner Pro Poster

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    fell sorry for the wasps:eek::p
     
  14. andyh

    andyh Engaging Member

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    Location:
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    pml :D:D

    Did "Buzz" think up the cigar vibrator himself ?
     
  15. andyhawkx3

    andyhawkx3 Major Poster

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    Location:
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    Think he was going to sell...but some how l don't the business would get off the ground:D
     
  16. a1gunner

    a1gunner Pro Poster

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    i want to see him round the wasps up:D
     

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